one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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