I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
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