when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
