I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Sorry about my life...
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
