my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
