dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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