remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
