how can u be prego again
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
