After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
