My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
