it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
