Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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