I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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