There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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