I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The police scanner is talking about you again....
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm gonna fight the coyote
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
