Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
