i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
