So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Someone shattered a urinal.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
