I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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