Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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