you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
