Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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