She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
