Non-Jews are for practice
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
