I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just had sex bonerless
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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