i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
