she woke up with a sticky ear
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
