Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Can you bring me the toilet please
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
