God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You're a waste of cheezeits
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Randomize
