when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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