I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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