remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
