i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
