it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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