no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
