Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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