Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
