Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
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I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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