Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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