the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
