my phone needs a breathalizer
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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