12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
