I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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