she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
