Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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