I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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