I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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