I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
