never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
