We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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