Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
