theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
