Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize