Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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