and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
