Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
