They should really pass out barf bags in church
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
