I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
