also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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