so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
