Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
