Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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